The circle of life
Lost a patient for the very first time in my life. An immunocompromised lady in her late 20 s.
I was at the market whn the call came...i felt devastated, lost and confused...empty even in the midst of the crowded street.
The first thing i wanted to do was to hide ...runaway somewhere where i wont be judged...or blamed ...i can run and hide from the rest of the world but not from myself. And yes , i was blaming myself...i kept thinking i could’ve done more. But when i do come to think of it i don’t know what i could’ve done.
The next thing i wanted to do was to face the situation and accept the unavoidable.and that s just what i did. Went to the hospital and did what i had to do. I wasn’t really needed there. But i was doing it for myself even if not for anyone. I wanted to feel less guilty.
People tell me :it’ll get easier as time goes by. I wonder how watching people die can ever get easy... it mite get less painful though. But i wil never really be sure.
And then a miracle happened. Today we discharged a 1 and ½ year old girl kid who had tetanus. She s all happy and jolly. No more pain , no more crying. The first time she saw me she wont stop crying. It made me feel bad about myself. I ve been looking after her from the 3rd day of her admission. She always cried. She wouldn’t even let me touch her or put my stetho on her chest. But since 3 days back she smiles when she sees me...even waves “ta-ta”. I think that was the best part of the day . yesterday i gave her my pen and a strepsil. She was scribbling all over her grandmas hand.
her grandfather is a wise man. The day after losing the other patient i was making random conversation with him and i told him how bad im feeling. He told me “there is only so much doctors can do. The rest is God s plan. No matter how much u try if its written in his fate ,it shall be done”. His words comforted me. And i had a peaceful sleep. The first lesson on dying i received from a man of wisdom i wil forever cherish it.
As i left the hospital after writing the discharge slip for the lil girl , i smiled to myself the most content smile iv e ever had , wished her a happy life in my silent prayers and walked back to the hostel with my head held high and yet with humble submission to God...no matter what “God will always be no.1”
And yes, now i believe in the “circle of life”. For every life that is lost , a new cry of birth is heard somewhere else. And the cycle keeps going...i did what i could...nothing is wasted.